Forgiving the Unforgiveable

Forgiving the Unforgivable
How many years are you going to carry that unforgivable injury? How many years are you going to be controlled by it? How painful is it to carry this pain? What is it costing you? What are the payoffs for holding onto it? When you get sick and tired of carrying this, you'll make the choice to let it go and to forgive that person for hurting you. The results will be indescribable.
Let me start off by telling you a little bit about what forgiveness is not. The most important thing for me to remember is that forgiveness is does NOT mean that what the injurer did is right. It does not mean that you are letting them off the hook for their behavior. It odes not mean that you have to disassociate from that person. It's not done for the injurer.
What is forgiveness? Forgiveness is a conscious choice that we make for ourselves. It is a choice that we make to not allow those that have hurt us to have power over us.
Not only is it important for us to forgive those people who have harmed us, I have found that it is essential for me to forgive myself as well. Usually it's me that is my own worst enemy.
Now that we have identified what forgiveness is and is not, it's time to look at just how do we make that conscious choice.
Step One: Identify the Injury
Of course, in order to forgive someone, we have to identify the injury and the pain it caused. Below is a list of several questions to ask yourself in order to help you identify the people YOU need to forgive. With each person who has hurt you in life, answer the following questions:
1. What has the injury cost you?
2. How is carrying the pain and anger working for you?
3. What is the payoff for carrying the pain and anger?
4. What would it be like to let this go?
Step Two: Validating Your Feelings
When I went through the process of forgiving the people that have hurt me, the most important step for me was to understand that even though I am choosing to forgive and let go, it doesn't invalidate the way I feel. It was absolutely essential for me to validate my own feelings and to tell myself that those feelings were okay to have. I didn't think that validating my feelings would make such a big difference in making the choice to forgive. When I knew that my feelings about the injury were very real, it took the power away from the fear that I felt about letting go of the injury.
Step Three: Asking for Guidance
Asking for guidance in making the decision to forgive was huge for me. I knew in my heart that I couldn't overcome this alone. I found people that understood where I was coming from. They may not have been through the exact same situation, but they understood my feelings. Those people had to be safe for me, and trustworthy. The support that they offered me was instrumental in my forgiveness. You don't ever have to go through anything alone. For me the people that I went to for support were people who had gone through this process before me. They knew my fears, they knew my hurt and pain, and they could walk through it with me because they've been there themselves.
Step Four: Admit that the injurer is sick
During this process, it allows you to see the person who has hurt you through a new pair of glasses. It allows you to have empathy for the person rather than be angry with them. It truly is a heart-healer. When I admitted that the person who abused me was just like a diabetic or someone who has cancer, it gave my heart satisfaction to really understand that the reason for the injury was because they were ill. It was at this point that I began the healing process.
Step Five: Look to see if YOU have a part
This was another key area in the process of forgiveness. It was important for me to make sure that my side of the street was clean. The Twelve Step programs really push their members to clean up all of their wrongs. When I identified my part in my abuse, it was another step towards not allowing it to happen again and to taking away the anger from what happened to me.
Step Six: Putting it Behind Me
The Lion King has a famous saying that I absolutely love. I'm not sure what character it was that said this, but he said, "You gotta put the behind past you," rather than, "You gotta put the past behind you." How true is it? If we want to move on with our lives, we must put the past behind us. If I keep looking at yesterday, then I'm totally missing out on today. And when I am looking at something that happened 10 years ago, then how many today's have I missed.
Step Seven: Choosing to Forgive
This is probably the hardest step in forgiveness. It is very empowering though to realize that we have a choice. We can either choose to allow our anger over the past to control us or we can choose to forgive and move on so that we can have the life that we've always longed for.
When we are so angry and are carrying so much pain, I describe it as a backpack full of stones. In the back pack are stones labeled anger, fear, jealousy, depression, etc.... How heavy is it to carry all of the stones around with you? Aren't you ready to put them down yet? The only way for us to put down that backpack is by making the choice to forgive. Are you ready to make that choice today?
Author: Lynne Kaska
copyright (C) May '05

About the Author

My name is Lynne Kaska. I am currently in the process of coach certification. I believe that happiness and success are both a choice. Everything in life boils down to one thing: choices. Are you willing to make the choice to be happy, joyous and free. If you are ready to do the essential work to get to where you want to go in life, then I encourage you to visit my website at www.visionarycoaching.com or email me a Coach_Lynne@hotmail.com