Grade School Blackmail

\"Why am I spending $50 on books again?\" I asked my wife as I wrote out yet another check for one of my daughter\'s \"fund raising\" activities. \"It\'s for a good cause,\" was my wife\'s response. \"But dear,\" I said through a clinched-teeth smile, \"we already belong to the Children\'s Book of the Month Club and have a Barnes & Noble discount card.\"

No, I\'m not opposed to my daughter reading. In fact I encourage it. The problem is that I shell out money for a \"good cause\" at least two or three times a week. Enough is enough already. It\'s moved from \"good cause\" into the territory of extortion.

Every activity my children are involved in has got a hand in my wallet. And because children in America are supposed to be entertained and \"encouraged\" 24 hours a day, this adds up to a lot of activities and a lot of hands in my wallet.

My kids have karate twice a week. My daughter does sparring at karate on Friday\'s. Brownies are on Wednesday\'s. And with spring here, softball for my daughter starts in a week or so. My son is too young for t-ball, so we get to wait until the fall when they both can start soccer. And my daughter is looking forward to winter basketball.

Those are pretty much fixed costs that I\'ve built into my household budget. And if that was where the begging ended, I could live with it. Unfortunately, I\'ve got the additional \"fund raising\" that both my daughter\'s elementary school and my son\'s pre-school gently encourage me to take advantage of on a continual basis.

Here\'s a list of all the fund raising shakedowns I\'ve been hit with over the last year. And these are just the one\'s I can remember. I\'m sure my wife has hidden a few from me, quietly paying cash for a Arbor Day wreath or special school logo dishrag (all in the name of a \"good cause\").

Girl Scout Cookies: This one isn\'t too bad, except when I\'m trying to diet. My strategy is to eat through the cookies as quickly as possible in hopes that I outpace the calories. Cost: At least $100 worth of Thin Mints.
Book Club: My daughter brings home a book club order form every month during the school year. For some reason, we have to buy books every month even though my daughter borrows books from the school library every week. With all the books, I think I\'ll turn our guest room into a reading room. Cost: $20 a month.

Wrapping Paper: How much wrapping paper do you need? My wife swears this is a good deal, but I\'m pretty sure I can get wrapping paper cheaper at Wal-Mart. And even though my kids get invited to about a birthday party a week, my wife refuses to use the jingle bells paper to wrap a toy truck in June. Cost: $50.

Overpriced Food Club: Support your school by buying expensive food that you wouldn\'t eat in a million years unless it was forced on you. Things like frozen \"chicken dee-lite\" in freezer packs that can be heated in a microwave for only $8 a serving. What a bargain. Cost: $80 a month and countless antacid tablets.

Miscellaneous Grifts: There\'s a whole host of one-time items like the pre-school \"Wiggle and Giggle\" dances ($5 a person), karate movie nights ($15 per child, but at least we got three hours of baby sitting), and one of my personal favorites, donate school supplies for the classrooms (at least $100 this year).

The National Institute of Disgruntled Working Folk estimates that the average cost of raising a child today is exactly 30% more than your take home pay. You will never catch up. In fact, you will be working past the time of your death just to pay for ballet and summer camp.

I guess I can take some amount of solace in the fact that, for the most part, these programs are for good causes. And, that my children will soon be old enough to start doing some of the chores around the house that I hate, like mowing the lawn and cleaning the pool. I may be able to recoup some of my losses soon.

\"Hurry up and get that grass mowed,\" I\'ll shout in between sips of beer from my chair on the deck under the umbrella. \"It\'s all for a good cause.\"

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Chuck Smith is the mind behind www.BrainSediment.com, where you can sift through the muck that is Chuck\'s Brain. Visit http://www.BrainSediment.com for more humorous articles about family life.