Where Not to Bring a Four Year Old

\"Patience is a virtue,\" I said under my breath. Finally, I had to yell at The Boy. \"STOP! STOP! STOP!\" With The Boy, I have to repeat myself at least three times. I guess it takes time to penetrate his laser-like focus on whatever he\'s doing that I don\'t want him to do.

\"What?\" asked The Boy. This is his standard response whenever I interrupt his activities. In his view, I am being extremely inconsiderate and he can\'t imagine why I\'m so worked up.

The \"infraction\" this time was climbing into the trunk of the mini-van we were looking at for the fourteenth time after I asked him not to do this. I had to restrain myself from picking him up and making him go sit in the car with Daddy, a punishment I always dreaded when growing up.

But The Boy knew we were in public, and also that Mommy and Daddy wanted a new mini-van. So he was pushing the limits. And in his defense, car shopping is not an appropriate place for a four-year-old boy.

There are a lot of places that are inappropriate for a four year old. And it doesn\'t seem to matter if it\'s a boy or girl. So, in the interest of helping newer parents out there, I feel compelled to make a public service announcement about the places that are inappropriate for a four year old.

Car Shopping: Although seeing all those cars lined up is kind of cool for about 10 minutes, the process of buying a car is best left to the adults forced to go through the procedure. If it was up to me, all car dealerships would be set up like a Wal-Mart - here\'s the sticker price, pick out your car, go through check out, and have a nice day. Kids shouldn\'t have to stand around listening to the merits of rack and pinion steering and stability traction control.

Movies Over 90 Minutes: This is especially true if the movie doesn\'t involve a cartoon character. There are very few live action movies involving real actors that a four-year-old can sit through at home, let alone in a theater. So unless you enjoy getting up to go to the bathroom about 20 times during the movie, limit your movie selections to Disney and Nickelodeon.

Gynecologist Appointment: This one comes from my wife, I swear. From what she tells me, a gynecological exam is not the most pleasant event for a woman. And the added stress of continually yelling, \"put that down,\" to The Boy while trying to look over the doctor\'s head between your legs further degrades the whole experience. If you\'re a smart husband, you\'ll take a sick day to stay home with The Boy.

Nice Restaurants: If the restaurant has cloth napkins, it\'s probably not a good choice for your four-year-old. Usually, these restaurants are set up for a leisurely dining experience, where you have a chance to enjoy your meal and converse with your dinner companions. Not gonna\' happen with young children. A kid friendly restaurant serves food quickly to combat short attention spans. The kid\'s menu is a coloring book, and has the four food groups for four year olds - hamburger, hot dog, macaroni and cheese, and chicken nuggets. The restaurant gets extra points if the \"tablecloth\" is a sheet of paper that the kids can color on.

To make it easier for you to decide if an activity is just an invitation for frustration, I\'ve come up with this quick and easy checklist for you to consult when deciding whether or not to take your four year old:

Does the activity involve a lot of standing or sitting around?
Are people wearing their nice clothes (suits or dresses)?
Do the foods served contain any cheese other than American or cheddar?
Are people expected to be quiet for more than 10 minutes?
Is the activity supposed to \"expand your cultural horizons?\"
Is it forbidden to climb on the furniture or take off your shoes?
Do YOU find this place or activity boring?
If you answered \"Yes\" to any of these questions, it\'s best to find a babysitter or stay home. Chasing a four-year-old boy across a church while trying to look like you\'re not ready to wring his neck is not good for your health.

And remember, they\'ll eventually grow out of this phase just in time for their driver\'s licenses.

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Chuck Smith is the man behind www.BrainSediment.com, a collection of the muck and mire in Chuck\'s brain. For more humorous articles that deal with family life, visit http://www.BrainSediment.com.