Do not Forgive: Infidelity, Unfaithfulness,Betrayal and the Dishonesty of Cheating Hearts

Both men and women seem to generously cheat on their other halves, these days. Society in general, seems to think that stories of cheating hearts are nothing to write home about. Research is trying to convince us that hormones, not Herculean horrendousness is to blame. And naturally, when we talk troublesome hormones, we usher to testosterone - what else? Consequently, the ‘scarlet letter' goes to women, while men are left forgiven for their fundamental ‘frailty'. When I do not intend to deliver a sermon on the immorality of dishonesty and betrayal, I need to pinpoint to you what unfaithfulness really means in a love relationship and in a marriage. Once the definition of infidelity is determined, it is easier to see clearly what ‘forgiveness' actually means in such a situation.

As a linguist, I always start my cognition journey with the thesaurus in hand. Now, what are the synonyms of infidelity? Unfaithfulness, falseness, disloyalty, dishonesty, deceit, treachery and treason. And the synonyms of those synonyms? Untrustworthiness, fickleness, duplicity, lying, pretense, inconsistency, capriciousness and vacillation. The sub synonyms of those? Unreliability, undependability, deviousness, changeability, uncertainty, fraudulence, insincerity, untruthfulness, double-dealing, make-believe, charade, contradiction, whimsicality, frivolity, irresponsibility, volatility, indecision, fluctuation and ambivalence. I could still derive sub-categories and feel you get the picture already. Then, when a loved one, a partner, a husband, or a wife ‘cheats' on me, he/she is all of the above and guilty of all the above. Could there be an excuse for all the above-mentioned sins and crimes? Is there a blank space somewhere where we can tuck words like: sympathy, empathy, mercy, compassion or forgiveness? If you are still confused, please buy yourself a thesaurus!

Now, if someone who is guilty of all the above declares his love anew? If he is confessing his trespass and asking for a second chance? If he is promising devotion, committment and a fresh start of mutual trust? If he/she says they are yours ‘now'.. will you take them back? Now you find excuses for the guilty.. you cite words like flings, crush, passing fantasy, insecurity and sexual seduction. But this cannot apply in any case you were betrayed for more than a few hours when that martyr was duped, dozed and drunk enough to lose their common sense, or if the poor thing has lost his/her mind and is verging on medical insanity. But for someone who dated, fell in love, suffered longing, felt attached, devoted time, designed alibis, determined a relationship, shared his most intimate detail, and desired to be with someone else rather than be with you, it is a different story. If you call a relationship with a person who did that to you love, I wonder what hate is like. If you have the heart to invest in such a relationship again, I wonder what you think of yourself.

The world abounds with people who hate us, feel jealous of us, want to harm us or are simply indifferent to our pain and suffering. I believe that to keep one of those in your own home, in your bed, in your arms is sheer madness. We forgive mistakes, but punish sins. And dishonesty is more of a sin of character. It is the manifestation of falsehood of feelings we thought were love. Hormones? I would forgive a rat with minimal brain cells. But a sane person who gave me enough reason to fall in love with them and trust them with my life and future deserves one good last kick out of the door. Forget about the shared resources and friends, the common dreams, the binding children, the single roof, the long history and good credit. You need to rate the person you are with anew. Rating him as he is today in reality as you see it clearly. And ask yourself one simple question: Could this be the closest person to me in this life? The answer must still depend on two things: your sanity and your self-esteem.

Lately, I have had an experience of such a treachery that put me in the shoes of the other woman, or say the other girlfriend, when I thought I was fit into Cinderella's. He was in a longterm relationship, not sharing a roof but a life, with someone for more than nine years. Falling for me instantly, spending a minimum of ten hours with me on the phone or in person, and giving me all the devotion a woman with my ego demanded, before having sex with me, gave me little reason to suspect that he was ‘tied' somewhere else too. When I found out and terminated the relationship, he asked for time to sever the past bond in a civilized manner - something I totally approved of. Severing the relationship with his other girlfriend turned to be a dinner that lasted till 5 am one day, on the birthday of his friend, a business meeting on the week end that surpassed eight hours and finally, a vacation of four days to a summer resort for Easter on the following evening I took him back for the third time after swearing his love. My relationship was not lust, no fling, no crush, and no passing fantasy.
It was big, solid, effervescent, mature, discerning love story of two people dating beyond their forty years of age and past a marriage with children. Yet, the minute I realized I was cheated upon when he declared on the phone that he was leaving for a vacation (with her) to sort things out and that ‘please-don't-be upset' meant he wanted his cake and eating it too, I almost giggled. My reaction was: " Suffering stops once you call a spade a spade; you know what you are? A phoney!" I did suffer for four weeks or so.. not love and loss, but wretched wrath.

On his return, I exposed him to that poor woman. He was leaving her. The surprise? I said I would never ever take him back for a day - leave or stay is nothing of my business. I have fallen in love with a man not a mutt. Obviously, I had no love to give now that the person is someone else. One thing I did right: I did not get confused; I did not ‘forgive' and never intended to trust again. Why would I need to do that? Love? It is not love on his part; and I can not be true to who was false to me. I cannot love who does not mind hurting me, betraying my trust, fooling and using me. Can you? Those who do that to you hate not love you; wake-up!

We are all willing to correct something that went wrong. But in these situations the only thing that is wrong is to be in love with a cheating heart. No, you are not overweight, not boring, not sexually uninspiring. You did not neglect them. No, you could have not given them more passion, compassion or validation. No, you do need to be blonde, beautiful, more fashionable, better-educated, smarter, richer or younger to keep them. If they would stray they do anyway. Khan did that to Rita Haywarth, Charles to Diana, Kennedy to Jackie ( and to Marlyn Monroe herself). Cruise left Kidman for Cruz, and that guy left his wife of 22years for a 25years younger Zeta-Jones. The other woman might have something above you and might not. It is not about her; it is about him. When a man loves a woman, he fails to see all the Marlyns in the world. He would not trade his Juliet for the glory of God himself. When a man loves a woman, he is committed to her. Yes, he does not go to vacations with someone else to fix something else. When he does not love her, he cries, throws tantrums, threatens suicide. Throw him out of the door; and he will knock the other one with the same tears dribbling, the same cracking voice and trembling hands begging for a ‘second chance'. No one should be given a second chance, when the first one was a very long generous opportunity for love and happiness they paid back in hate, hurt, misery and suffering.

I wish I do not see all the tearful messages I see in my life and online from women complaining about ‘the-still-love-him' anguish; love yourself first! I wish women knew how to give less, forgive less, love less to get more respect.

About the Author

An Egyptian-born English-published poet and essayist.