A "Plan 9" Book?

 by: Ed Williams

Sometimes, when you do a little writing like I do, you get tipped off as to what upcoming books and authors are really gonna be hot. And folks, I’ve got a book title and an author’s name for y’all that I think may be the hottest of this entire year. The book’s title?

“Atlanta Nights.”

The author’s name?

Travis Tea.

This book is an absolute scream, the literary equivalent of “Plan 9 From Outer Space.” It was actually written by a very talented group of science fiction authors who put it together as a sting on a vanity, print-on-demand publisher out of Maryland called Publish America who tries to disguise themselves as a traditional publishing house. (Translated, they tell people they’re picky about what they will publish, but the reality appears to be that they will publish almost anything). This group of authors decided to put them to the test - they deliberately wrote a horrible book, submitted it, and guess what? This “publisher” offered them a publishing contract. I kid y’all not.

Want to get an idea of what to expect from “Atlanta Nights?” Here are some actual quotes from the book, courtesy of Mr. Travis Tea, author extraordinaire,

“All her life Margaret had worked hard, harder than anyone else. Her sisters, all of them far more beautiful than she, had coasted through life like a toboggan down the snow hill of life.”

"I remember one night, the best night for us. He took me to Rome where we stood in the light of the Eiffel Tower and watched the people go by.”

“The sun broke through the clouds then its brilliant golden disk burning a hole through the great puffs of water vapor to send a shaft of golden light zigzagging down through the layers of atmosphere and warm the earth in a way that no sunlight since the beginning of time had ever warmed the earth before.”

“Bruce Lucent put the tray down on the table. He began to shape the hamburger patties, shaping the meat into round, circular shapes with his strong hands. Usually he caressed the hamburger like a lover, loving the way the soft red meat squished yieldingly between his hands and the sensuous sucking sounds it made when he pulled his hands away once he got the round shapes just the way he wanted them, not too thick and not too thin, not too wide and not too small, but just right, like the Three Bears, except it was hamburger and not porridge.”

“Richard didn't have as sweet a personality as Andrew but then few men did but he was very well-built. He had the shoulders of a water buffalo and the waist of a ferret. He was reddened by his many sporting activities which he managed to keep up within addition to his busy job as a stock broker, and that reminded Irene of safari hunters and virile construction workers which contracted quite sexily to his suit-and-tie demeanor. Irene was considering coming onto him but he was older than Henry was when he died even though he hadn't died of natural causes but he was dead and Richard would die too someday.”

“Okay,” Nance began. Setting down the pencil before he stabbed himself with its point (he did this once, and it meant he couldn’t work for days) .It hurts like crazy! I went to the doctor’s and they had to dig the point out and everything. I think you can die of lead poisoning if they don’t get the point out], he clasped his muscular hands behind his back and commenced to pace around the small, windowless office. There was a vase of flowers on his desk, and the petals were slowly falling off them. “It’s about your father.”

Isn’t that just too rich? And here’s the best part - you can actually buy a paperback copy of “Atlanta Nights!” Folks, believe me when I tell y’all that a lot of people already are. Visit this web site:

www.lulu.com

Then go into their search engine, type in “Atlanta Nights,” and you’ll be able to see the book’s cover and read some reviews. The price of the book is very reasonable, and the proceeds from its sales will be going to a very worthwhile charity. “Atlanta Nights” is getting so hot that it’s rumored that Travis Tea will be going on a nationwide bookselling tour sponsored by a national oil change company soon, and there’s bound to be big demand for a sequel if this thing keeps going in the direction it is. Just remember that I told y’all about it first, and, other than that, I’ve got to go. I’ve got four emails from people wanting to know how to get their own copies of “Atlanta Nights,” and, as Mr. Tea’s personal publicity person, I’m obliged to go help them all out...