Ulterior Motive

 by: Wayne and Tamara

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 7, 2004

Life was not this complicated a year ago--said laughing while banging head on keyboard. I can make this short, but there is so much and I want to be fair.

Stage one: friends. A friend decides our relationship needs to be advanced to a sexual/dating level. This was probably his objective when we first started hanging out, however, I could not picture us together. He was not my type, the age difference was huge (15 years), and I just couldn't see an "us."

Stage two: friends plus. Imagine my surprise when I fell head over heels in love. He quickly and effortlessly became my favorite person in the whole world. Once we started sleeping together, well, he's the best I ever had, and he's said the same about me. Regardless, it's been a huge headache.

He's got this nice little routine that works for him, and I never once worried about losing my independence because he was so dead set against losing his. It didn't take long to realize I adore this man, and we fit great together. The beginning of the end was saying this aloud to him.

I know the rules: always hang up first, leave them wanting more, never give details, blah, blah, blah. But I made the decision to love him and that negated the Barbie and Ken mating ritual in my mind. Not in his. The chase was the most exciting part to him.

Stage three: stage fright. He "loves me but is not in love with me." (What does that mean, anyway?) We started the cycle of break up, just friends, get together, have sex, break up, etc. We finally stopped dating, again, two months ago. I've been heartbroken since.

Valerie

Valerie, in one of P.G. Wodehouse's novels, Bertie Wooster says, "It's like Shakespeare. It sounds well enough, but it doesn't actually mean anything." That is what we think of "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." It sounds well enough, but it doesn't actually mean anything good. What does it mean? It means "I don't love you."

One line of your note jumped out at us. "He's got this nice little routine that works for him." That's the situation in a nutshell. He's got this nice little routine that works for him. Not for both of you, but for him. And he doesn't want to change. You believed his objective from the start was to advance your friendship to a sexual level. Friendship was never his objective.

It might help you to think of this man as a confirmed bachelor who keeps women on a shelf until he needs them. Or think of him as a married man, married to himself. It is futile to pursue a confirmed bachelor or a married man.

What is in your heart? That there is a purpose to dating. There is a goal. You want someone you love, who loves you, in a mutually exclusive relationship leading to marriage. Once you realize you cannot go there with this man, you can move on.

Wayne & Tamara

Science Fiction

I recently had sex with a girl from work. It was only a bit of fun, and it only happened once, but now she says she is pregnant. I made it quite clear I do not want this baby, but she has not even considered what I have to say. She is keeping the baby.

Now, it's like I have been used in some way. My head is in bits. Is there some way of dealing with this so she cannot come to me in the future asking for money?

Earl

Earl, if H.G Wells' time machine actually existed, you could go back in time and wear a condom while you are having your "bit of fun." That is no less a fantasy than believing you are not financially responsible for your child.

Wayne & Tamara