You Know You're Craving Sweets A Bit Too Much When...

 by: Ed Williams

You know that you’re craving sweets a bit too much when....

You buy bags of miniatures of your favorite candy bar because you’re convinced that since they’re smaller you won’t be eating quite as much sugar.

You don’t count stuff like mints or chewing gum as sweets when you’re dieting, thus allowing yourself to continue enjoying healthy quantities of them.

You go to the fair and eat one corn dog and three elephant ears.

Anything less than three chunks of bubble gum at once just won’t do.

You hide a half gallon of Breyer’s Butter Pecan ice cream way back in the corner of your freezer, then eat it all at one sitting just as soon as your wife leaves the house for a couple of hours. And you feel really great about having done so, like you’ve really slipped something pretty dang (a historic first, I have never used the word “dang” in any of my writing before) major by her.

Your favorite “all you can eat” places turn out to be the ones that have the best soft serve ice cream machines.

If you go out to eat at a fancy restaurant and don’t have dessert for some reason you feel like you’ve really had nothing to eat at all.

You can name off all the new sweets crazes without a thought, like the liquified doughnuts over at Krispy Kreme, in fact, nine out of ten times you’ve already tried them out for yourself.

You put sugar on frosted flakes.

You nod in firm agreement when a dietary expert on TV says that people must avoid sweets, wondering why other people can’t control their cravings the way you do.

The cheapest candy imaginable beats none at all.

At the fair you buy a candied apple, eat it, then eat every little fleck of candy off the stick when no one is looking.

You walk by the unoccupied office of someone who keeps a candy dish on their desk, go in, and swipe a few pieces. Then you hide the candy in your pockets when you leave so that no one will know that you got any.

A woman who’s just been in the kitchen preparing pancakes smells sexier than one who uses the most popular perfume available.

You can accurately discuss the differences in size and ingredients regarding a Butterfinger bar made twenty years ago and today.

You would love to try an egg cream, and would if you could just find someone who makes them (is there anyplace in Georgia that does)?

You know that you could live out your life without taking another drink of alcohol or smoking another cigarette, but life without Snickers bars would be a whole different thing....

You find yourself longing to buy a big bag of M&Ms, take them home, and then eat them all at one sitting while watching something good on TV.

You give your wife/girlfriend chocolates for Valentine’s Day, and feel a sense of loss when you hand over the box.

You try to find out how to make things like candied apples and elephant ears at home.

You really wish that they had bigger containers for lime and orange flavored Tic Tacs.

If the words “Hershey’s,” “Reeses,” “Sweet Tarts,””Bazooka Joe,””Goo-Goo Cluster,” or “Stuckeys” are mentioned in conversation you break out into a smile without even realizing it.

You look at a guy that likes low fat ice cream as being a little less than masculine. Okay, you look at him as being a whole lot less than masculine. You also look at someone who tells you that they take care of their cravings for sweets by eating fruit as being as big a liar as politicians or used car salesmen are. Finally, you see sugar free popsicles as being abominations, something against nature that shouldn’t even be allowed to be sold at all.

You’d rather kiss a mule directly on the fanny than drink a diet soft drink.

You never buy anything but the largest sized ICEE, whether you happen to be thirsty or not.

You read this column, and immediately start craving an RC Cola and a MoonPie.......